death paintings jjk

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AND SO ON. He’s the one who said “cock-blocktopus” when we were watching Love Actually ( buy my book !), for freak’s sake. He really is a precious genius who is indescribably generous with his genius spice, shaking it all over my work and making me rich. I am blessed and grateful forever.

I haven t kept this method a SECRET or anything, but I haven t put it in print anywhere officially, so I just want to acknowledge how much uncredited time and work Ahamefule puts into Butt News. Now I m gonna be back to doing the thing where I have to take the house key off the keychain so I can leave the car running with the brights on while I sprint to the door, hyperventilating.

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Butt News Movie Club #7: The Blair Witch Project

[Butt News is a free e-mail newsletter about movies and butts! You can receive Butt News in your inbox weekly by subscribing now . If you like it, please tell your friends! And if you have suggestions for future movies , put them in the comments HERE !]

1. Ahamefule and I pick a movie.
2. Ahamefule and I sit down to watch the movie.
3. Ahamefule and I make fun of the movie while I take notes on my laptop and write down all the jokes that we say.
4. I procrastinate for days and days.
5. At the last possible second I sit down and grind through those notes, stringing all our jokes together into some kind of legible prose.
6. I GET ALL THE BUTT CREDIT AND ALL THE BUTT FAME.
7. Aham gets as much of the Butt Money as he wants because I love him and he earned it.
8. We kiss.

I haven’t kept this method a SECRET or anything, but I haven’t put it in print anywhere officially, so I just want to acknowledge how much uncredited time and work Ahamefule puts into Butt News. SO MANY of your favorite jokes are things he said, including but not limited to:

1. “Vin Unleaded”
2. “Bill Pullman does a really good job playing a man who would not be able to choke a woman during sex if she asked him to. Walter would only be able to choke a woman for murder.”
3. “Want to Feel Old? The Kid from Sleepless in Seattle is a DILF Now!”
4. “She reminds him of the classic catchphrase she used to say: ‘Here’s to us.’ It’s almost as good as her other classic catchphrase, ‘Hey could you hand me that?’”
5. “The truck driver is like, ‘No way, Jose! I’m going to protect these TV/VCR hybrids with my life! Nothing is more important to me than getting these babies safely to Circuit City! You Future Shop people need to just give up!’”
6. “This movie is way more about sandwiches than I expected.”
7. “It’s like they looked at a sticker of Calvin peeing on something and thought, ‘there’s a movie here.’”
8. “The music in this movie is so bad it’s like cars are playing the instruments.”
9. “Six million dollars in DVD players were stolen. That’s over six million DVD players. ”
10. “It’s like the whole purpose of this movie is to drown out a barking dog.”
11. “Kurt Russell shows up looking like a toaster strudel!”
12. “atomic butt tampon”
13. “Wow, did you hear that inspiring story about a young actor from Pasadena trying to make it in Santa Monica!?”
14. “Lady, if you just want to blow an Australian guy, you don’t have to pay for it!”
15. “Did you know that 9/10 spider bite fatalities are men. And they’re usually bitten by FEMALE spiders! What happened to all the male spiders. Maybe you should look at their suicide rate! And how many of them died in thespider war!”
16. “They immediately move back to San Francisco. Being around a buncha gays doesn’t sound so bad anymore, huh. ”
17. “BOY HOWDEE name’s Jeffy Pampers and I sure would love me some pasketti. ”
18. “Sorry, but no adult has ever quoted a 20-year-old.”
19. “DERMOT IS LIKE I’M DEFINITELY GOING TO CATCH HER IN THIS FORD CONTOUR.”
20. “MULRONEY BALONEY”

AND SO ON. He’s the one who said “cock-blocktopus” when we were watching Love Actually ( buy my book !), for freak’s sake. He really is a precious genius who is indescribably generous with his genius spice, shaking it all over my work and making me rich. I am blessed and grateful forever.

BUT THIS WEEK! HE IS BUSY “ PLAYING ROCK AND ROLL ”. And as I have committed to you, my Butt Babies, I have no choice but to write a whole fucking Butt News without him, all by myself, for the first time.

I asked Ahamefule if there are any movies that he has absolutely no interest in, that he doesn’t think would inspire particularly good material for him, because I don’t want to squander any future Butt News golden nuggets. I told him he could pick anything he wanted for me to watch. It seemed like a good idea.

And this a-hole! Picked! THE FUCKING BLAIR WITCH PROJECT .

Due to an anxiety condition, Ahamefule cannot watch a horror movie. Basically anything with suspense or a jump scare is out. Like, he had to walk out of Monsters, Inc .

The thing is that I also hate horror movies, though. I hate them with my whole body! I just don’t MEDICALLY HATE THEM, like he does, so I guess I technically have no excuse not to watch one in the name of cinema. So I watched it. Okay?? I watched it all the way through and I paid attention!

“In October of 1994, three student filmmakers disappeared in the woods near Burkittsville, Maryland while shooting a documentary. A year later their footage was found.”

No thanks! Already no thanks! This is hell to me! I literally hate this. I would never watch this.

I spend a lot of time in the woods because my family has this old log cabin (and, by the way, the old-timer who built it with his own hands in the ‘30s, Old Man Donald, DIED ON THE PROPERTY) where I do a lot of writing by myself, and the thing with the woods is that you know exactly what’s in them (ferns, deer, our old well) to an extent that is actually boring (oh, another log? zzzzzzz), but at the same time you have NO IDEA what’s in them (witches, Old Man Donald, something crawling out of the old well)! During the day I do not believe in ghosts. But at night? If I accidentally left the light on in the gazebo and I have to walk 20 feet through the yard (inside the fence!) to turn it off? I am rat-chattering like old Ebenezer Scrooge!

Anyway, that’s what this movie is about. Not knowing what’s in the woods. No thanks. I already have that!

We open with this film student named Heather getting ready to go investigate something called “the Blair Witch” and “what happened at Coffin Rock.”

Hey, idea: maybe nobody ever investigate anything? Like, government corruption or whatever, yeah. But not GHOSTS. Not WEIRD SHIT IN THE WOODS.

Except also, actually, I have to say, the disappointing thing about life is that nothing is ever anything. Everything is always mundane. It’s never a satanic cult or a cryptid or Old Man Donald. A murder in the woods is always a meth thing or a controlling boyfriend or a regular serial killer, and even regular serial killers are all mundane in their own way! Oh, my mom made fun of my ears so now I need to collect ears! That’s (one of the reasons) why Qanon is so dumb. NOTHING IS ACTUALLY THIS INTERESTING. The conspiracy is voter suppression, dickheads! The conspiracy is TRICKING YOU INTO BELIEVING IN THIS CONSPIRACY.

Heather’s friend and camera boy Josh comes to pick her up and she’s like “Hey, it’s Mr. Punctuality” in a sarcastic voice because he’s late, a chilling glimpse of the horror to come that is Heather’s personality. Josh explains that he managed to steal the fancy camera from the film school, which, I’m not sure why the film school wouldn’t let you check out the fancy camera to make films? Isn’t that what you do at film school?

They go pick up a guy named Mike, who they don’t know, I guess (how big is this film school?), but who signed on to do sound for this “movie” because it’s an “opportunity.” He is grateful for the “opportunity.” Okay. Best case scenario, Michael, an opportunity to do WHAT? Carry a bunch of heavy equipment on a hike? Speaking as someone blessed to be lifelong-sandwiched between the Olympic and Cascade mountains, this isn’t even a part of the country where the hikes are even good. Oh, a tick-infested sea-level walk through thousands of small identical trees? Feed me to a witch instead!

Heather, Mike, and Josh interview people around the town about the Blair Witch, while Heather does her best Keith Morrison (she could NEVER):

“There are an unusually high number of children put to rest here, most of them from the 1940s, yet, no one in the town seems to recall anything unusual about this time. To us anyway. Yet legend tells a different story—one whose evidence is all around us, etched in stone.”

That’s not even true, though, because 1) every townsperson literally IMMEDIATELY gabble-gobbles the entire story at them, and 2) the number of children killed in the story is literally just seven. Your eagle eye glanced around and detected a mere seven extra 1940s child graves at the graveyard? How many 1940s child graves is a rural Maryland graveyard supposed to have?? Get outta here, Heather! Fake news! Lock her up!

The kids talk to the three kind of townsfolks: old man, chunky mom, and backwards hat construction dirtbag.

They find out that there was an old hermit who lived in a cabin on the mountain and one day in the ‘40s he came down into the town and said, “I’m finally finished,” and the people were like huh what and went up to his cabin to see if maybe he finished a big LEGO or something but instead found out he murdered seven kids in his dang basement. Backwards hat says that his parents used to use the story to scare him into going to bed, and frankly that is hilariabaldwinhilariabaldwinhilariabaldwin. We act like it’s normal to just make kids scared for their lives so they’ll go to bed?? LOL. Lock us up!

Man, fuck this movie, though. I literally JUST THIS YEAR learned how to walk from the car into the cabin in the dark! This has set me back a decade. Now I’m gonna be back to doing the thing where I have to take the house key off the keychain so I can leave the car running with the brights on while I sprint to the door, hyperventilating. Do you know how many manicures I’ve fucked up trying to get my thumbnail into the keyring?

Chunky mom says she heard a story that two hunters went camping near the hermit’s murder cabin and they disappeared, and her baby starts going, “NO NO NO NO NO NO” and hitting her in the face, which is incredible baby acting tbh and also effectively spooky and I didn’t like it.

Backwards hat says that the way the hermit would do the murders was he’d take the kids down to the basement in pairs, then make one of them face the corner while he murdered the other one.

Wait, but does the Blair Witch eat kids or adult male hunters? Is Blair Witch the murder hermit or did she, like, possess the hermit. Why is it SEVEN kids if he only killed kids in pairs? What happened to the extra kid? Annoying!

The old guy says that he knows a crazy lady named Mary Brown who met the Blair Witch once, so they go find her. Bone-chillingly, she has a gate made of STICKS. Remember how this movie made all of us scared of sticks for 20 years? Hahaha, we’re stupid.

Here’s the thing with Mary Brown: LOL. Mary Brown tells this amazing story about how she and her daddy would go fishing down by Tappy’s Creek, and one day she was laying down upon the leaves looking up at the sky while her dad did all the fishing (FEMALE PRIVILEGE) and suddenly she sensed some bitch standing over her:

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death paintings jjk